Men are praised if they conform to beauty standards. But women are expected to. Men have long been able to get away with having less than perfect bodies.
“A dad bod is not only tolerated, it’s lauded in society … but from the moment a mom gives birth, there is a plethora of messaging out there indicating that to recover well, she has to ‘bounce back’ to her pre-baby weight,” says Jennifer Wolkin, a licensed psychologist based in New York.
“So instead of being put on a pedestal for birthing an actual human being, a mom is shamed about her body.”
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Experts say this double standard stems from the idea that unlike femininity, masculinity is not predominantly defined by beauty.
“Our society values physical attractiveness, but our cultural construction of femininity in the US places a premium on beauty, which is considered an integral aspect of womanhood and girlhood,” says Samantha Kwan, an associate professor in sociology at the University of Houston.
Past research has shown that beauty is more essential to feminine than masculine gender roles, and body size is a more relevant factor of self-worth in women.
In contrast, we tend to be more forgiving toward men who deviate from dominant beauty standards of muscularity, “because there is less emphasis on the way he looks, and perhaps more so on how smart he is, how athletic he is, or if he is a good ‘breadwinner’ for his family,” Kwan says.
Although someone with a “dad bod” may not have biceps or a six pack, Wolkin says it can still be attractive to some, because it implies he “is wholly and unequivocally devoted to his family. That he doesn’t have time to work at a chiselled physique and has pursuits outside the gym.”
Wolkin says this starkly contrasts with the pervasive attitude towards “mom bods” because “when men see a woman with a ‘mom bod,’ they think, ‘she’s lazy and still hasn’t lost the baby weight’.”
Women judge themselves harshly
This isn’t to say that women are the only victims of today’s unrealistic beauty standards. Men, too, deal with the pressure to sport six packs and biceps.
But research has shown that compared to men, women judge themselves more harshly: they idealise even thinner bodies than what men prefer and internalise more negative messages about their weight.Anorexia: the mental illness people in Asia don’t talk about
These dominant feminine ideals of thinness (but not too thin) are difficult to challenge in a society that rewards women for conforming, and punishes them for deviating.
“We live in a makeover society, where we expect women to spend time and money to conform to this ideal. Those who do are rewarded with financial and social successes, while those who don’t, suffer,” Kwan says.
The body positivity and body neutrality movements have exemplified this need for change. Many influencers have used platforms like Instagram to display honest looks at their post-partum bodies while clapping back at body shamers who suggest tummy tucks.“Social media has given a platform to those who are outspoken against fatphobia, thin privilege and other harmful messages … and I hope this continues,” Wolkin says. “The messaging needs to focus on staying mentally healthy and vital, and not on needing to look a certain way to feel worthy.”
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